Oh hi! It’s been a while. Let’s get straight into it shall we? As mentioned in the past, I am firmly not a fan of the direction in which Steven Moffat has taken Doctor Who. I was hoping the Capaldi era would signal a new lease of life, but Saturday’s episode confirmed that Moffat is still up to his old tricks. I think going over everything that annoys me about the programme would just be regurgitating most of what a lot of other people have said. Instead, I give you my own interpretation of Moffat’s scripts, which I think pretty much sums up my feelings on the subject. This will definitely make more sense if you’ve seen the whole of Saturday’s episode.
DOCTOR: I can solve any problem! I’m the master of any sticky situation! I’m Scottish! I’m Steven Moffat! Ahem – sorry – I mean I’m the Doctor!
CLARA: Look! A dinosaur!
DOCTOR: That’s not a dinosaur. It’s a FEMALE dinosaur. I must mention this so that I can have a protracted one-sided conversation about how I’m not flirting with it! Joke for the adults!
DINOSAUR: Do I get a say in this?
DOCTOR: No. You’re female, so better just stick to the feisty wisecracks.
JENNY: (TO VASTRA) We’re also female! Nudge nudge, wink wink!
CLARA: Feisty wisecrack!
(ENTER SHERLOCK AND WATSON)
SHERLOCK: I’m investigating the origin of this dinosaur and how he came to end up in the Thames.
JENNY: It’s not a he. It’s a female dinosaur!
DINOSAUR: Hey baby.
SHERLOCK: In that case I must act adorably disarmed in the presence of this powerful female. Women love that.
VASTRA: Guys, we’ve just spent the last minute saying absolutely nothing in an awful lot of words. If we stopped doing this, the episodes could be over within an hour, like they used to be, and we wouldn’t have to engineer all this horribly forced sexual tension.
SHERLOCK: Over in an hour? Pathetic.
JENNY: At least we managed to get in a bit of innuendo. Wink wink.
STRAX: Joke for the kids!
VASTRA: No, but seriously. Is there any kind of plot here?
SHERLOCK: What’s a plot?
WATSON: It’s kind of like a storyline. We used to have them.
SHERLOCK: Oh, right.
DOCTOR: I don’t need a plot. I’m the Doctor. I AM the plot. I’ll just say a load of words in some kind of order whilst looking powerful and mysterious and perhaps a little tortured and then we can move the episode along. How does that sound?
CLARA: Go on then, Doctor!
DOCTOR: (LOOKING POWERFUL, MYSTERIOUS AND A LITTLE TORTURED) I’m the Doctor! I vote we all move locations in order to give the pretence of some kind of plot! Because I’m the Doctor! Yes to independence!
BACKDROP SUDDENLY CHANGES
CLARA: (WIDE-EYED) Wow, Doctor! You’re so powerful and mysterious, and… old!
DOCTOR: I’m what?
CLARA: Old. You’ve got lines and stuff.
DOCTOR: How did I become over 35?!
RIVER SONG: Spoilers!
JENNY: No, River, you’re not in this any more…
RIVER SONG: Aren’t I?
VASTRA: Nah. Soz.
RIVER SONG: How do you know I’m not? I might be. But I can’t tell you. Y’know… spoilers…
DOCTOR: River! My soul is tortured by the mere sight of you – even though no one can quite remember why, because you tend to just pop up at random intervals to wink at me and shoot things.
RIVER SONG: Sorry sweetie. (WINKS AND SHOOTS DINOSAUR)
CLARA: Why did you shoot the dinosaur?!
VASTRA: The girl dinosaur!
RIVER SONG: It was a girl dinosaur? Rats. If I’d known that I would have flirted with it because sexual orientation is fluid and we’re a really progressive show.
STRAX: Joke for the kids!
DOCTOR: Btw Clara, I’m not your boyfriend.
CLARA: I never said you w-
DOCTOR: Stop flirting with me.
FANGIRL: Hey guys! Sorry, I heard the word spoilers! If you want to know any spoilers, I’ve watched a couple of leaked episodes online and I follow, like, 157 Doctor Who Tumblrs! (TO DOCTOR) Apparently you’re now old because you’re played by a slightly older actor! And he’s Scottish.
DOCTOR: AYE. DOWN WITH THE ENGLISH.
CLARA: Hold on a second. We can’t have fangirls wandering into scenes. It’s a bit self-referential. I mean seriously, how’s that going to look?
DOCTOR: Ha! You’re totally jealous of this other female presence, Clara! Look, I told you, I’m not your boyfriend. I’m too old. Look at my lines and my grey hair. I’m practically dead.
CLARA: I know. You’re ancient. I’m so conflicted. I can’t cope with you being old. I’m going to leave.
ENTER MATT SMITH
MATT SMITH: Oh hi y’all! Just popping back to surprise the fans!
MATT SMITH: Woah – who’s that grandad over there?!
CLARA: It’s the Doctor.
VASTRA: It’s you.
DOCTOR: It’s Steven Moffat’s ego.
MATT SMITH: Wow. I got old.
CLARA: And Scottish.
DOCTOR: VOTE YES.
MATT SMITH: Listen, Clara. I know you kind of want to leave because you’re fed up of being squeezed into a skirt that’s just a little bit too tight and making feisty wisecracks all day long, but seriously, it’s better if you stay. We need you for the male fans, and as a dubious role model for young girls, whose agency can be analysed endlessly on online forums.
CLARA: Urgh. Ok. (TO DOCTOR) But you’re not my boyfriend, remember that. You’re too old now.
DOCTOR: Totally fine with that.
CLARA: Let’s get coffee.
JENNY: Nudge nudge, wink wink.
STRAX: Joke for the kids!