Monthly Archives: February 2013

The Only Way Is Essex, ITV2

Listen, don’t knock Towie. On the surface, it may seem like a dozen air-headed orange people with too much money, gossiping in cafes in the day and rowing with each other in clubs at night. But in actual fact, it’s really a dozen air-headed orange people with too much money, gossiping in cafes in the day and rowing with each other in clubs at night, whilst offering valuable viewpoints on important current affairs stories. In this, the first episode of the new series, we were given insight into how some members of the Towie crew were coping with recent revelations about the true content of various beef-based products.

‘Last night I was eating shepherd’s pie,’ confessed Chloe. ‘And I was a bit like “ok, i’ll just eat the mash” but then I couldn’t help it so I ate the beef so I probably ate horse,’ she giggled. Shepherd‘s pie, Chlo? Something tells me you’re probably ok…

Chloe wasn’t the only one getting her animals mixed up, though. Lauren P struggled to remember what to call a baby horse. What is it again, Lauren? Ah, yes. A fowl. Of course. This was in reference to the imminent arrival of Mick’s baby horse. Well, obviously not Mick’s baby. That would be weird. Nope, one of his prized horses is expecting, and Lauren was musing on whether he would hold a baby shower when it finally emerged. A fowl shower, as she put it. I now have images in my head of a flock of birds raining down on guests as they assemble in a field, their six inch stilettos sinking slowly into the turf, while their extensions are picked at by a thousand peckish starlings. Now that would be worth watching.

But I digress. Back to horsemeat. Gemma wasn’t taking any chances. She’d decided to go vegetarian. ‘Shut up!’ exclaimed Bobby. But really he knew already – he could tell by her aura. It was really positive. In fact, quite a lot of our Essex friends were turning over a new leaf. Little Chris was hitting the gym: ‘This is a rebrand of Little Chris,’ he told Ricky. ‘I’m trying to make Little Chris, Big Chris.’ Hmmm. Not sure the gym will help. Stilts maybe? And Arg, too, was looking to change. He was ordering smoked salmon and scrambled egg, by itself. He was exercising. According to Diags, his arms were slimmer. ‘I do feel the new Arg is back, ‘ he declared proudly. Interesting turn of phrase. Not really sure how that works. Have we seen the new Arg before? Has the new Arg mastered time travel?

So new year, new lifestyle was one big theme. The other was babies, and not just of the equine variety. Bobby was feeling broody ‘I want a baby’ he declared. Or, to be more precise, a ‘gayby’. And he’d seen a pushchair on Bond Street that matched his black and silver bag. Perfect. Gemma was there to offer a voice of reason. ‘It’s not a fashion accessory,’ she said, reasonably. ‘It’s a massive thing in your life’. Sam and Billie were having the same discussion, except this time it was about a dog. In Sam’s view, dogs are worse than babies ‘because you can’t put a nappy on them’. Billie, too, was against the idea: ‘even if you put, like, dog perfume on them, they still smell.’ I’ve just googled dog perfume. It actually exists. Who knew? (Also, I just googled dog perfume. What has my life come to…?)

Mario also wants a baby, but Lucy thinks it’s too soon. She’ll need some persuading. The trouble is, Mario seems to think the best way to persuade Lucy to want a baby too is to party on down with identical blonde bombshell twins in a club in Manchester. Ooops. We leave Lucy sobbing in her dressing gown in Sam’s kitchen as the credits start to roll. Oh, Towie, I have missed you.